Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 23:58:49 -0700 (PDT) Subject: Miscellaneous Jokes R US: ___________ This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?" The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheeting on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend." "Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?" The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him, and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." "What's the cure, doctor?" asks the man. "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you! _______________________________________________________ There were three priests in a railroad station who had to go to Pittsburg for a conference -- they varied in age, one was old and experienced, one was middle aged and thought he knew more than he did, and one was a young greenhorn. They hadn't yet bought their tickets, so the youngest one was delegated for the job. He went up to the counter whre a young, voluptuous blonde was working. "Excuse me, Miss," said the young priest, his eyes fixed on the girl. "Could I please have three tickets for Titsburg?" Immediately, the young priest realized with horror what he had said and retreated to where his colleagues were standing. He confessed what had happened, and the oldest priest delegated their middle-aged confrere to request the tickets. The middle aged priest went up to the ticket counter, where the young, extraordinarily curvaceous and voluptuous blonde was still waiting to serve customers. He peered down, with a certain amount of anxious curiosity, the young woman's firmly outlined breats and cleared his throat officiously. "Excuse me, Miss," he said in his best pulpit voice. "May I have three tickets to Pittsburg and also some nipples and dimes for the vending machine?" Realizing his mistake almost as quickly as his younger colleague, he retreated from the counter in shame and confessed what had happened to the older priest. The older priest listened with a sense of superiority and finally determined to complete the mission himself. He approached the ticket counter with enormous aplomb. The young woman, her low, alluring cleavage plainly in view but which the priest disdained to look at, glanced up innocently at him. "Excuse me, Miss," he said calmly. "I would like to purchase three tickets to Pittsburg and procure some nickles and dimes for the vending machines. And may I say, young lady," he added in solemn tones, "that if you do not correct your behavior and manner of dress, when your time comes -- as it must for all living flesh -- and you rise to heaven and are awaiting judgement at the Gates of Heaven -- St. Finger is going to point his Peter at you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."